i hope you forget

i hope you forget, in the long run, that i'd ever helped you with anything, because you'd never let me forget it, and you'd never leave my side. i know your type of loyalty – i know you're going to be here long enough for me to scratch myself out of my skin and yell from the top of my lungs for you to listen to me listen to me listen to me, you idiot, listen to what i can't say or understand or think of or watch me when i'm around you – just tell me, you bloody fool, just tell me please what this is, what this all is and just listen to how i shriek, how you tear me apart so viciously and heartlessly, just listen to what you do to me

and it isn't even because of your smile, or your anything – it's because of how i smile because of you, and it's all me from you that wrecks every nerve of my being. it's your arm when it's around me, not the safety or the comfort or the warmth – really, i don't know, i have no right to say "it is" or "it isn't," because you are such a trick of light, and you turn me into an ape traipsing between "this is it" and "this will never be it" –

you make me so stupid
you make me so blind
you make me so deaf
you make me so warm

i hope you forget how it was a song nobody knew or could even hear over the sound of a million whispercaresses floating in the air. i hope you forget the closeness – just a couple of feet – i hope you forget the way everyone looked that night, i hope you forget how you didn't say a word. i hope you forget about small eyes and big eyes and size and just everything, i hope you forget about things that pull you away from me sometimes (oh, yes, i know, how so very possessive, m – oh, you know it, you know i am)

do everything, do everything you feel like – and although i say so, don't ever forget a single thing. don't you dare do that for me. i'm afraid of being away from you, is all

(there, I just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me – didn't you see that?)